Look, Matt. For some reason--
I don't completely understand it,
but California women
have a higher sex drive than regular women.
Oh, it's because they eat pink tofu
and alfalfa sprouts and omelets.
No!
Yeah. I know!
Look, I guarantee you, once we get to LA,
the least of our problems
is gonna be finding beautiful women.
Oh, my God!
It's gonna be great!
Look, classic California legs.
A ficanshe palm!
Shut up, Matt.
We're not going there for the trees, OK?
We might be with a different woman
every single night.
I hope you're ready, pal.
I'm ready.
Oh, my God. Look at her.
I get her. She's mine.
My name's Matt. This is Eddie.
Let me do the talking.
I'd like to help her.
What's she wearing?
Are those shorts?
Pants?
Spray paint!
Look, they're everywhere!
They're growing.
A mermaid!
She is amazing.
LA is the place!
Yeah. Goodbye, Ohio.
California, here we come!
# I'm a girl watcher #
# Watching girls go by #
# My, my, my #
# I'm a girl watcher #
# Here comes one now #
# Mmm mmm mmm #
# I was just a boy #
# When I threw away my toys #
# I found a new pastime to dwell on #
# Whenever I detect members of the other sex #
# I play the game I do so well on #
# I'm a girl watcher #
# Watching girls go by #
# My, my, my #
# I'm a girl watcher #
# Here comes one now #
How does my hair look?
What?
My hair. How does it look?
Who cares?
What?
Why do you care what your hair looks like?
I just care.
You trying to look pretty for me?
I just like it when my hair looks good.
There is nobody to impress out here.
I'm not trying to impress anybody.
I want to feel better about myself.
So how does it look?
Are you depressed?
What?
Why don't you feel good about yourself?
I feel fine.
Why do you need to look better?
I don't need my hair to look better
to feel fine.
I just like when my hair looks good.
If it makes you feel better
to know my hair is a mess...
there, you happy?
What?
You call that a mess?
Here.
Hey, cut it out, man.
That's a mess.
Hey, cut it out!
Aah!
There's a car!
Aah!
Goddamn it, man. Look what you've done!
Eddie, are you OK?
I'm fine, man, but my car, goddamn it!
Goddman it.
How are you?
Where are my glasses?
Yeah, I'm OK.
I hope I'm not bleeding internally.
You're paying for the damage to this car.
You're paying!
Oh, no.
My God, I think you killed somebody.
I killed somebody?
You were driving like an idiot.
You knocked my glasses off.
What are we gonna do, man?
You go out there!
You go out there and look!
No.
What if he's dead?
I've never seen a dead person.
You were driving!
It's your car, your license plate.
The driver is always responsible.
I'll pay for the damages.
You go look.
Go on.
I'll wait here.
We'll both go.
We'll both go!
Oh, my God.
Come on.
I hope he's not dead in there.
Come on.
This is just great.
# You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain #
# Too much love drives a man insane #
# You broke my will #
# But what a thrill #
# Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! #
# I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny #
# You came along and moved me, honey #
# I changed my mind, this love is fine #
# Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! #
# Kiss me, baby... #
Aw, hell.
# Oh, yo, feels good #
# Hold me, baby #
# Well, I want to love you like a lover should #
# You're mine #
# So kind #
# I'm gonna tell the world #
# That you're mine, mine, mine, mine #
# I chew my nails and I twiddle my thumbs #
# I'm real nervous, but it sure is fun #
# Come on, baby #
# You're drivin' me crazy #
# Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! #
Are you hurt?
No.
Are you hurt?
She already said no.
Uh, my name Eddie. This is my friend Matt.
I think this might have been partially our fault.
Partially?
Yeah.
Need some help?
Looks like your trunk is stuck, huh?
This is the engine.
Yeah, stupid.
This is great.
This is just great.
It probably looks worse than it is.
No, it's probably worse than it looks.
Why don't we get these cars apart?
Don't touch my car. You've done enough already.
Isn't there a phone around here?
Not for at least 1 1/2 hours that way.
Great.
What about that direction.
Nothing.
What were you doing in there?
What?
You were all over the damn road!
We weren't doing anything gay!
My God!
I've gone completely blank!
I can't remember the accident!
I think I'm having amnesia.
What were we doing right before we hit?
Oh, yeah. We were messing up our hair!
Oh, no.
You were messing my hair.
I was trying to get you to stop, remember?
Can you believe it?
It's like the luckiest unlucky thing
that's ever happened to us, man.
She's from California!
California has so many beautful babes,
they're spilling out into the neighboring states!
I get her first.
I drove the car.
If it wasn't for me,
we wouldn't have been in this situation.
I should get her first.
It was my car.
It was my fault.
Forget about it, pal.
She's mine. I get her first.
I see your point.
Normally, I'd agree,
however in this instance--
heads!
Two out of three.
You know, I've got to be in New York by Monday
or I'm going to miss an important appointment.
Uh, what's your name?
My name is Tuesday.
This thing had better start.
[ engine starts ]
Told you it looked worse than it was.
You're going to New York?
Yep.
My uncle lives in New York.
Maybe you've heard of him, my Uncle Bernie.
He's a lawyer, Bernie the attorney.
He's got a brother, my Uncle Sol.
He came to Ohio. Him and Bernie came...
they're both kind of fat.
Not really fat,
it's more of a substance
compared to a mess divided by air.
It's hard to understand.
He explained it to me once.
See, your intake of food
is different than your outtake.
How you doin'?
Is anybody hurt?
No. Everybody's fine.
Can I give somebody a lift?
No. We got everything under control.
Ha ha ha!
[ tires screech ]
Well, I hope you guys have insurance.
Farm state.
Thank God for small wonders.
We should head
to the nearest town,
file a police report,
settle this thing and move on.
I'm supposed to be in New York...
We should head to the nearest town
and file a police report.
We should head to the nearest town
and file a police report.
We should head...
Well?
Well, is that satisfactory to you?
Uh-huh.
Good idea.
So just meet me there, OK?
Where?
Just follow me, all right?
Yeah.
Well, you blew our chance, man.
What do you mean?
She's the most beautiful girl we've ever seen.
Now, we're on our way to some stupid town
to fill out insurance forms.
Way to go, Matt.
Why is that my fault?
If I was here alone, we'd be doing it now.
Eddie--
Right in the middle of the road--
on the road, off the road,
in the trunk, you name it.
Edward! The car won't start.
What do you mean, the car won't start?
Great.
[ engine sputters ]
No.
No, Eddie...
Uh, something's wrong with our car--
You have to give me a ride--
Your car started a minute ago.
It won't start now, genius.
Let me take a look at it.
Of course.
I must be doing something wrong
because I'm a woman.
Not having a penis makes it impossible
for me to start this car.
She got you there, Ed.
Let me check the engine.
Oh, absolutely.
Eddie...
Well, here's your problem.
You got no engine.
Eddie...
The engine's in the back, remember?
Duh...
It was a joke, a little joke.
That's jammed pretty tight.
I know it's jammed.
I tried it, remember?
Well, if I could open it,
I could fix it.
The thing's never gonna open, see?
If it was open, you could fix it,
no problem?
Yeah. No problem.
Uh-huh. Sure.
Got it.
How did you do that?
Go ahead, big guy.
Huh?
Fix it.
No problem, remember?
All right.
This is amazing.
I mean, why do men look into an engine
and expect innate automotive knowledge
to come spewing forth?
Don't worry, darling.
Your masculinity is still safe.
She wants me. She wants me.
What are you talking about?
That was practically a proposition, pal.
I can read women.
You're nuts.
She called me masculine!
Women don't toss that kind of word around
unless they're trying to tell you something.
Check it out.
So, uh, I, uh...
Look, I think
we should move these cars off to the side of the road,
so another car doesn't plow into them.
I'll get it.
I got it. Thank you.
Come here, boys.
Come on.
Sit over here.
Guys...
wouldn't you agree that...
fate works...
in a very mysterious way?
Definitely.
Yeah.
I mean...
here we are,
in the middle of nowhere
with nobody else around.
I agree...
I think we ought to make the most
of this highly unusual situation.
I agree.
In order to make the most of this situation...
I think we should all be honest with each other.
Completely honest with each other.
I mean...
that way we know exactly what to expect from each other.
Now...
I have the feeling...
that you both expect more from this encounter
than just an exchange of driver's license numbers
and insurance companies...
am I right?
Yeah.
I thought so.
I'm a lesbian.
- Ugh! - Aah!
What?
You're a lesbian?
Um-hmm.
Two girls?
Two girls doing it?
Yes. Like in two girls doing it.
I'll save you the energy
it would take to get underneath my dress.
You're a lesbo?
That's lesbian, not lesbo.
But why?
Why are you a heterosexual?
'Cause we dig chicks.
We like girls.
So do I.
This is just great.
We're stranded in the middle of nowhere
with the most beautiful woman we've ever seen,
and she's a lesbian!
Story of my life in a nutshell.
Don't be so naive. Calm down.
Look at her.
That look like a lesbo to you?
Take Miss Hemmelkrouse.
Ooh, hated that gym class!
That was a lesbo.
A real diesel engine if ever there was one.
Remember?
How could I forget that pockmarked face?
And that crew cut.
That's a dyke, man.
This one just thinks she's one.
You're nuts.
Matt, lesbianism is just state of mind.
She hasn't been with the right guy yet.
You think so?
I know so. I know women.
I don't know, Eddie.
Trust me, man. She's ours.
All she needs is a little guidance.
She's a looker.
That's a woman.
What a woman needs is a man.
I'm hungry. You hungry?
I never thought I could love a man
until I met you, Eddie.
Kiss me, Eddie.
Oh, please, kiss me.
Ooh.
You're a real man, Eddie.
Just what I've always needed.
Ooh.
Mmm.
OK, let's see what we've got here.
We've got two oranges
and a kiwi...
some pineapple juice.
Looks like a turd in need of a shave.
I'll eat it.
I'll take this.
From the Sunshine State.
Florida's the Shunshine State.
That's from California.
I know that.
How long since the last far!
About an hour
I'll never make it to New York on time.
I got an assignment that begins on Monday.
What do you do, anyway?
I'm a photographer.
Yeah? That's cool.
It won't be if I miss this assignment.
A friend got me the job.
She's a model.
What's her name?
Rachel.
Is she cute?
She's my lover.
[ coughing ]
Oh, my God.
Matt, calm down.
Je-sus!
Cheese sauce?
Huh?
It sounds like you said cheese sauce.
Cheese sauce?
Cheese sauce!
Cheese sauce.
Cheese sauce, man!
Je-sus, cheese sauce.
What do you know about that?
Cheese sauce.
That's funny.
Are we out of drinks yet?
Didn't you guys bring anything?
Nothing to drink.
Well, if we get very desperate--
Hold on.
Sauce...
Cheese sauce?
I do have my windshield wiper water.
Ugh!
Yuck-o.
I don't think we'll ever get that desperate.
Want some?
Look, guys. Look!
Hey!
Hey! Ho!
Excuse me!
Over here!
Hey!
All right!
What did I say?
Yeah.
Come on.
Finally!
Nice.
[ beep beep ]
Well, well, well,
I think this is your lucky day.
Hi--
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Lucky Larry Loopin
of Lucky Larry Loopin Enterprises.
Here you go.
Here's one for you.
I understand what you're saying.
We need a lift.
You need that lift
that makes you feel happier.
We got to go to town.
Here you are in the middle of the desert.
You have no money. You have no food.
You could die
in the desert.
What would happen?
The police would show up.
They'd see your body.
They'd go, "Look at that body.
"The hair's a mess.
"They've got lint on their clothes
and spinach in their teeth."
I know what you're gonna ask.
"What can you do to help that?
How can you help me?"
OK, I will introduce to you now
the Lucky Larry Loopin Brush Wizard!
Yes, boys and girls!
The Lucky Larry Loopin Brush Wizard.
What can it do?
We need a ride!
What does it do? Brush Wizards?
If you have a wizard that's dusty,
do you brush it?
It's a lint brush, a toothbrush, a dog brush,
and it's a hairbrush.
He's unbelievable!
I know what you're saying.
"Sure, but a brush that good,
that could cost us $50, $60, $70, maybe $100!"
Yes, I understand.
Now, how can I afford to give it away
for the lowly price of $29.95?
$29.95!
Who is this guy?
I see what you're doing.
I see what you're saying.
OK, OK!
You beat it out of me.
I'm gonna let you rob it from me.
I'm gonna let you take this right off my hands
for... are you ready?
$19.95.
Who knows a bargain
when he sees one?
I'll take one!
Sold to the man with a brain!
Here you go.
I don't have any change,
but I know your face.
I'll meet up with you
and give you the nickel back.
We need a ride, sir.
Can we please have a ride?
I understand,
but you wouldn't buy a brush!
What?
Hey! Hey, wait up, man.
Look, I'm not kidding.
Will you take us to the nearest town?
The brush has a million and one uses!
I can't take you. I don't have a license.
What?
That guys is crazy!
Hey, this is serious!
We're stuck here.
Hey, come here!
What a jerk!
I can't believe this!
I can't even believe
this guy buying a brush from him.
Moron!
I felt sorry for him.
Hey, you guys, what are you doing?
Catch it, catch it!
Whoo! Nice!
Good. Lovely.
Come on!
# Come here, baby, let me tell you now #
# I know you, baby, you worry me #
# I'm worried about you, baby #
# And I can't hardly sleep at night #
Get her, Matt!
Get her!
All right!
I got it! I got it! I got it!
Yeah!
# Gave you my money by the five-and-ten #
# You fool around #
# You just flirtin' with your friend #
# I'm worried about you, baby #
I have to go to the bathroom.
Look, I've got an idea.
Will you guys do me a favor?
Face that way, and don't turn around.
I'll be back in a minute.
Don't peek!
Eddie, I think she's really gay.
No, man. I think she's just bi.
I think it's our duty as men
to point this girl in the right direction.
What if somebody
tried to get you to be gay?
That could never happen.
It's not natural
to turn someone from straight to gay.
But it is natural
to turn someone from gay to straight,
especially if it's a woman.
Are you sure?
Um-hmm.
OK, I'm done!
I just meant she is what she is,
and we shouldn't try to change her.
We'll see. We'll see.
It's too hot out here.
I hope we don't die of heatstroke.
Another car will be by soon.
How long have we been here?
Seven hours.
Maybe we should start walking.
Good idea.
If we started walking seven hours ago,
we'd be someplace.
If we started walking then,
we'd be dead now.
Who knew no one was decent enough
to give a lift to three fellow humans?
How come nobody's given us a ride?
With all the weirdos around,
I wouldn't give us a ride either.
You wouldn't give us a ride?
No. You can't be too careful.
If you had been more careful,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
Me? Me be more careful?
Who knocked my glasses off?
You had to have the perfect hair
in the middle of nowhere.
He thought we were gonna
run into somebody in the desert.
My hair is important to me.
Yeah, ranks up there
with the threat of nuclear war.
Very funny. It takes two cars to make a crash.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Without you, there wouldn't have been
another car to crash into.
That's the stupidest thing I've heard all day.
If you'd stayed in your own goddman lane,
there could have been 100 other cars
and no accident.
You weren't paying attention.
You only had one car to avoid.
I happen to be a very careful driver.
Matt, you have no respect
for individuality.
Keep it up. You'll never convert her.
Convert me? That's a laugh.
You're just mad because you caused
this whole mess.
God, I have such a headache!
You blaming me?
Everything else is your fault.
Lou Gehrig's disease is my fault, too?
Your razor-sharp wit is unparalleled, Matt.
Why don't you shut up, Matt?
God, I feel sorry for California women!
I'm a sensitive guy!
Schmuchface!
Dork!
Weasel!
Cold fish!
Shut up, you stupid idiots!
You shut up!
Odds are we're going to be out here for a while...
So why don't we stop all this silliness, OK?
Come on, guys.
This is ridiculous!
OK.
Don't say I didn't try.
Cheese sauce!
[ laughter ]
I was 12, and she was 16.
I was the first one of my friends
to have any sort of physical encounter.
That was the last encounter I had
until I was 19.
All my friends passed me up.
You were not the first.
I kissed Rose Temple on the lips when I was 10.
Big deal! I touched nipple.
Do either of you have girlfriends?
What are those?
Two good-looking guys like you?
Things will be different in LA.
California girls are just begging for it, huh?
Most of them are, yeah.
Are you guys virgins?
- Virgins? - Virgins?
Does this look like the face of a virgin?
It looks like the face of a dork.
That's funny, Matt. That's real funny.
Why don't you tell me about your first time?
Come on, you nonvirgins.
Go ahead, Matt.
I was with Lisa Burger.
You remember Lisa?
Buck teeth.
Ugh.
Yeah. She did have rather large teeth.
We went on this lousy date.
Didn't say two words to each other.
I almost felt sorry for her.
When I took her home,
I attempted to give her a kiss on the forehead.
She throws me on the couch and attacks me.
Oh, my God!
I couldn't believe from behind those glasses
beat the heart of a jungle beast.
My first time was great!
I was, like, 15 years old.
My dad took me with him to Chicago for this convention.
He had to go to Seminars.
I didn't have anything to do.
I was wandering around, and I met this girl.
Really, a woman, actually...
I looked old for my age, and she digged me.
We spent the whole day and night hanging around.
It started to get late.
She asked me if I wanted to go upstairs,
so we got in this elevator.
It was one of those glass elevators.
We got in it, and we started going up.
She pushed the stop button
between the 81st and the 82nd floor.
And right there
she ripped off her clothes.
I took off mine, and we did it in the elevator.
It was unbelievable.
Wait a minute, Eddie.
You told me your first time
was with Stacy Neill
in your dad's plumbing truck.
That was the first time with someone my own age,
but the chick in Chicago was my real first time.
I don't know. That sounds pretty dramatic, Eddie.
Why don't you tell us about your first time?
This close friend of mine and I
were up late talking one night.
We been last friends for a long time.
The more we talked,
the closer we seemed to be drawn to each other.
We just kept talking.
Pretty soon,
there was nothing left to be said,
so we kissed.
The rest, as they say, is history.
That's it?
That's it.
Was that Rachel?
No. That was somebody different.
Where is she now?
She died.
Sorry.
That's OK. It happened a long time ago.
It was a car accident.
Do you miss her?
No, Matt.
She's, like, thrilled that she's dead.
She was the first person in my life
that I was close to that ever died.
You know, I believe in reincarnation.
What do you want to come back as?
A porno star.
I don't want to come back as a porno star, OK?
I want to come back as a lion! Huhh!
I want to come back as Elvis.
I want to come back as the king.
What about you?
What do you want to come back as?
A bug.
Any kind of bug.
A bug?
I've always wanted to have an exoskeleton.
How long have you two known each other, anyway?
Since nursery school.
Wow!
God, I haven't kept up
with any of my childhood friends.
It's kind of nice.
You guys seem so different.
It doesn't seem like you'd be best friends.
It's kind of funny how that works out.
For a few years during high school,
we weren't as close as before and after.
Eddie was into sports. I was into music.
We still found that common ground
that we had always shared.
In elementary school
we used to hang out a lot together.
I don't know, we were skateboarding,
and we built forts and stuff.
But then we got to junior high and high school.
You guys went to camp, didn't you?
Yeah.
Camp rufflefeather.
Did you sit around telling ghost stories?
Oh, yeah.
Matt! Matt tells the best ghost stories.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Tell the one about
that pirate with the things hanging from his eyes.
No.
Yes!
No. I've got a better one.
You got one?
Yeah.
He tells the best ghost stories.
I love ghost stories.
It was on a night...
much like this one--
still, silent, foreboding.
A heavy fog rolled in from the horizon,
cheating an eerie blanket of mystery
over the desert sand.
Two scared and misdirected hitchhikers,
Let's call them Brad and Lional,
wandered aimlessly in search of shelter.
Suddenly, from out of the black,
they spotted two tiny headlights
coming toward them like deep, piercing eyes.
They got closer and closer.
It seemed their long and frantic journey
was nearing its end, until...
the car stopped.
Brad and Lional peered into the waiting car.
Suddently, their hearts beat in their throats,
and the blood rushed from their faces
because there was no driver!
Ooh, in a flash of memory,
they were reminded of the words
of an old prospector they'd found dying
earlier that evening.
Uuuh, oooh.
Beware... beware of the lonesome wanderers.
Ah, yes. The Lonesome Wanderers.
The lost souls of those who died
at the cruel hand of the desert.
They who wander the sandy dunes at night
in search of hapless victims
to join their eerie club of Nomads.
Just then, as Brad and Lionel
were immobilized with fear,
dozens of gnawed and decomposed hands
made their way up from beneath the desert floor
and reached skyward.
Their rancid, decomposed bodies
freed themselves from their sandy tombs.
Brad and Lionel had no means of escape!
Surrounded by the hungry undead...
they saw their fate in the hands
of these bloodthirsty, vengeful souls.
Ha ha ha ha!
Clawing at them!
Aah!
I wasn't scared.
Oh, no!
Ha ha! She wasn't scared.
Way to go, man!
# Ahhhhh #
# I don't have plans and schemes #
# And I don't have hopes and dreams #
# I don't have anything #
# Since I don't have you #
May I?
By all means.
# I don't have fond desires #
# And I don't have happy hours #
# I don't have anything #
# Since I don't have you #
# I don't have happiness #
# And I guess #
# I never will ever again #
# When you walked out on me... #
William...
looks like your wife has grown to be old and fat.
Ha ha ha!
Henry...
The years sure haven't been kind to your wife.
Look at her!
Look how ugly she is!
And Edward...
I'm disappointed in you.
Your wife is the ugliest of all.
But...
not my Tuesday.
She's as beauitful now as the day I married her.
Isn't that right, darling?
That's right, sweetheart.
Not only has she remained a vision to work at,
but she still satisfies me
in more ways than I could have ever hoped for.
Let me show you.
Ooh!
Ahh!
# I don't have... #
Tuesday...
I don't want you to think I don't understand
and accept you the way you are,
but I still can't help finding you wildly attractive.
That's very sweet, Matt.
Thanks.
# You, you, you, you, you, you #
There are more stars in the universe
than gins of sand in the Earth.
Where did you hear that?
It's the only thing I remember
from my junior high school science class.
I guess that makes sense
when you think about the fact
that the universe is infinite.
Makes you feel kind of small, doesn't it?
Like one of those grains of sand.
What is this?
The Goddmaned Breakfast Club?
Don't you two see what's happening here?
We're all dying!
We're all slowly dying!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
How can you talk about feeling insignificant
while we're out here being fried like... chickens!
Oh, my God!
Matt, calm down.
There's no cars coming.
There's no food or water.
There's no escape!
We're doomed.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Is the air too thin up here?
How high up are we?
Matt, we're at sea level.
Jesus! This desert dust is in my lungs.
I can't breathe. I'm so hot and thirsty.
Should we do something about this?
He's always been like this.
Once we were locked in a K-Mart overnight.
I'm dehydrating! I'm dehydrating!
Oh, my God!
We're going to have to drink our own pee!
That's it!
I gotta make a run for it.
I gotta get to the nearest town.
I can't sit here waiting to die,
waiting to become dinner
for some group of hungry... buzzards!
Do you see any buzzards?
Matt, there are no buzzards here.
You are so stupid!
Don't you know?
They flock to the scent of dead meat.
Sure. Sure. You don't see any now.
Just wait. Wait till we're dead.
You'll see. I'm going.
I'm not going to be a sitting duck
to the vicious hand of the desert elements.
I'm going. I'm no ding-a-ling.
Not me! Run! Stay indoors!
Don't go out!
Run for your lives!
Aah! Aah!
Go! Go! Aah!
We're in the middle of nowhere!
Is he dead?
I think he only has a few second left.
I never thought it would happen like this.
We've been friends for so long,
I thought he'd choke on a candy bar
or get his arms chopped off,
but never like this.
I think I know what might help.
Eddie...
go wait by the car.
You're a good friend.
Hang on, Matt.
I have just what the doctor ordered.
# Rama lama lama lama lama ding dong #
# Rama lama lama lama lama ding #
# Whoo ooh ooh #
# Whoo ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# Whoo ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# Ooh wa ooh #
# A oh oh oh #
# I've got a girl named #
# Rama lama lama lama ding dong #
# She's everything to me #
# Rama lama lama lama ding dong #
# I'll never set her free for she's mine, all mine #
# Oh ooh ooh ooh #
# I've got a girl named #
# Rama lama lama lama ding dong #
# She's fine to me #
# Rama lama lama lama ding dong #
# You don't believe that she's mine, all mine #
Matt, get up.
Are you OK?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
We know, Matt.
I gotta sit down.
Uh!
I need to sit down.
[ humming theme from Batman ]
Batman.
Don't hurt him.
Hey, you guys,
I think I'm going to be all right.
I'm hungry.
Hey, I got an idea.
Be careful, Batman.
Hurry up, Batman.
The Riddler's getting away.
Batman, to the Batpoles.
Batman, get up.
OK, come on.
Matt?
What?
You know what I'd kill for?
Captain crunch with crunchberries.
Remember?
Apple jacks are my favorite.
Apple jacks.
I haven't eaten those sugar cereals
Since I was about 10.
Here, let me take some.
You gotta promise to be careful.
I wouldn't let him do it, Tuesday.
Just be careful, OK?
OK.
Put this over your head.
OK.
OK. No. Focus here.
OK. Focus here.
Careful, Matt.
Matt, focus here, and push this.
OK. OK. I got it now.
Come here. Come here.
Argh!
Here we go. Ready?
That's a good one.
You sure you know how to do that?
Go over there.
OK.
Wait a second.
Smile.
Say cheese.
Very nice.
Cheese!
Am I in there?
Don't worry.
Unbelievable!
OK, you guys, say cocoa puffs.
One, two, three...
Cocoa puffs!
This stuff is really good, Tuesday.
Really good.
Thank you.
You develop it?
Um-hmm.
Whoa!
Whoa! Who's this?
That's Rachel.
Really?
Looks like a nice girl.
Yeah. She's terrific.
Too bad you'll never see her again.
Matt, we have to keep a positive attitude.
OK, OK. I positively think we'll be dead by nightfall.
That's not exactly what I meant, Matthew.
There's no way we'll die here.
I refuse to die a virgin.
A what?
Did you say... a virgin?
No, no, no, no. That's not what I said.
Tuesday, he doesn't want to die a virgin.
A virgin like in never-having-had-sex type of virgin?
That's not at all what I meant.
What about the glass elevator woman, Eddie?
And Stacy Neill in your Dad's truck?
And Michelle Krendall and the midnight hay ride?
And Samantha Revis, the human sex machine?
Oh, and Mrs. Landower, whose home you wrecked?
I was kidding.
Do I look like a virgin to you?
Yes!
All right! All right!
So I'm a virgin. Big deal.
Crucify me, why don't you?
Eddie's a virgin. Eddie's a virgin.
Just shut up, all right!
Shut up!
Don't get your feathers ruffled.
We were only kidding.
It's no big deal.
Eddie, we don't care.
I'm practically a virgin myself.
Eddie...
Let me ask you something.
I don't want to talk about it.
A relationship between man and woman
is not based--
What do you know about relationships?
You're a lesbian.
I'm also a woman.
Big deal.
Look, sex...
Sex is easy.
Anybody can do it.
Without friendship and trust and love...
sex means nothing.
You might as well be out shoveling snow.
It's easy for you to say.
You've done it hundreds of times.
I haven't done it once.
The number of times one's had sex
doth not a man make.
Men and their egos.
I mean, why do you feel inadequate
just because you than man conquered every woman.
I feel that it's very nice
than a man doesn't feel like he's got to conquer women
ot feel like a man.
You do?
Yeah, I do.
I guarantee you all the girls California woman you run across
will feel the same way.
You really think so?
Yes, I really think so.
I'll tell you something.
Women want to be respect.
I mean, who wants to feel used?
It's not a nice feeling.
After all, you're not out hunting lions.
Yeah.
You're trying to build relationships.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
Sure.
By the way, I haven't done it hundreds of times, OK?
Sorry.
Thanks.
Sure.
Hey, you guys, there's a car coming.
# Up and down, and outta luck on highway 94 #
# The truck's a heap, no food, no sleep #
# I can't bear this no more #
You stuck?
Yeah.
Since yesterday afternoon.
Yesterday afternoon, huh?
You two guys been stuck out here all night with her?
Yeah.
Lady, I'd drink your bath water.
Hey!
Turn around.
Let go of my friend.
Keep your distance, faggot.
Sure.
We don't want any trouble.
Lady, with that body, you're always lookin' for trouble.
You want our money? There it is.
Just let my friend go.
Pick up that wallet.
What?
Pick it up now!
Here.
Take out the money and put it on my dashboard.
Now, get everybody else's money and do the same.
Ha ha ha!
All right.
I could cut your throat with my knife right now if I wanted to.
Just slice right across from ear to ear.
Your blood would squirt 20 feet.
Your life would squirt 20 feet.
I seen blood squirt 20 feet.
Hey, faggot, whose boom box is that?
Mine.
In the car.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
My God, too, partner.
What else you guys got?
Whose camera is that?
Look. Please don't take my camera, OK?
In the car.
What, are you deaf, faggot?
# There's trouble in paradise #
# Yeah, yeah #
# My turtle dove's taken wing #
# Oh, yeah #
# There's trouble in paradise #
# Yeah, yeah #
# The birds no longer sing #
# Some devil told my angel #
# A lotta lies... #
A Tennis racket?
Nope.
A Lucky Larry Loopin Brush?
A what?
There's four brushes in one--
a hairbrush, a lint brush, a dog brush,
and a toothbrush.
In the car.
A shower massage?
In the car.
I got records here.
What ones?
There's Iron Butterfly, Dylan, Chubby Checkers.
Iron Butterfly in the car.
A braun hand blender?
Like the one advertised on TV?
In the car.
# There's trouble in paradise #
Black reeboks.
What size?
Matt, what size you wear?
Nine.
Yeah.
# They'd like our love to be #
That's all I got.
# There's trouble in paradise #
Let's have a look.
# Mr. Moon, Mr. Sun, tell her she's the only one #
Yeah.
# Guide her with your lovely light #
What else you got, faggot?
I got nothing. That's it.
Nothing?
No.
# And heaven's not the same #
What the hell is this?
# They say it's such a shame #
"Dear Matthrew, don't foget the holidays. Love, Mom."
# Just like before #
In the car, fairy.
Look... I'm not gay.
# They'll be no more #
I used to rape guys like you in prison.
# Tell her she's the only one #
# Guide her with your lovely light #
# Back into my arms tonight #
# There's trouble in paradise #
# And heaven's not the same #
# The angels sit and cry #
# They say it's such a shame #
# They'd like our love to be #
You know, they say we all got a date with destiny.
Consider this one a rain check.
# Calling all angels, calling all angels, calling all angels #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# Calling all angels, calling all angels, calling all angels #
# Ooh #
# Calling all angels, calling all angels... #
You all right?
Yeah, I'm OK.
It's just a camera.
Yeah.
Cameras can be replaced. Lives can't.
I'm broke. How about you guys?
Busted.
You know, Eddie,
you didn't have to offer him our money.
I didn't offer money.
You threw him your wallet.
He didn't ask for it.
I should have let him kill you.
You know, that may all be well and good,
but then...
you wouldn't have known about this.
300 bucks.
Where did you get that?
You can never be too safe.
We'll offer it into three piles.
A pile for you.
Thanks, Matt, but I can't take your money.
Sure you can.
You'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
No.
I'll pay you back.
It's OK. I wrecked your car.
Where should we start spending all this money?
Any ideas?
You know, it's weird.
I'm not so nervous anymore.
You know how they say you get calm near the end?
I'm looking at my destiny in the face,
and I'm no longer afraid.
Ha ha ha!
That's it.
As much as I hate to admit it,
I see no alternative. Time to walk.
Wait a minute. Let's weigh our options.
If we stay here,
we're going to die of starvation and dehydration,
but if we start walking,
we're going to die of starvation and dehydration...
but with a little dignity.
You know, I wish you guys had listened to me
when we had more food and water.
Well, what do you guys say?
Let's go.
Bye.
Don't get excited, guys.
This is a mirage.
My hand blender and my planters,
oh, yeah, my shower massage.
Shower massage? Yeah?
Why, I got to get me one of those.
I got this kink in my neck.
It's like this knot. Feel it.
Yeah, it's tight.
Yeah, feel it. Yeah, feel it.
Feel it. Would you feel that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Feel it. Right there.
It's tight.
Yeah, OK, enough of this.
It's a 1961 cadillac.
Black. White walls.
That's it.
You want me to call your insurance companies?
No. That's OK.
It's nobody's fault.
It's nobody's fault?
OK. I'll call in for a tow truck.
Be here shortly.
Thanks.
We really appreciate that.
Freeze, loser!
Aaaah!
Just kidding.
Ha ha ha! I love my job!
Yeah...
excuse me.
Come here. Come here.
You guys been out here all night?
Just you and her?
Why?
I bet you're sorry to see this evening coming to a close.
Hubba-hubba.
We're going to LA.
LA?
LA.
There's plenty more of them where she comes from.
Heads up.
Thanks.
Keep cool.
OK. I'm going to go get you guys your pick-up.
Thanks.
Eee-ah!
Hey! Back off.
Did you touch that?
Put your hands up. Up! Up!
[ engine starts ]
[ police radio ]
Well, Eddie...
we haven't much time.
[ whistle ]
Gotta hand it to you, Eddie.
Said you'd convert her, and you did.
Ohh!
[ engine starts ]
You know,
I really like you.
# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone #
# Baja California #
# That wide dirt road stretches on and on #
# Baja California #
# I'm going out there to be with you... #
Hey, there, Zeck.
Hey, thank you, Zeck.
So tell me, how's that modern dance class you been takin'?
I'll tell you, Zeck,
my thighs ain't half a-killin' me.
How are your corns holdin' up?
Fine, with extra talcum powder in my shoes.
That'll work.
I hope your damage doesn't cost too much.
Same for you, Tuesday.
We hope the same thing.
Sorry about your camera.
It's OK. Sorry about your menorah.
You think you'll make New York in time?
No way, but then I don't have a camera,
so what the hell, right?
Hey! We're ready to hit the road.
Already?
You, uh, you, uh,
you three been out here all night?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Just the three of youse?
No, man, you don't understand--
Thanks, guys, for a wonderful evening.
I'll never forget it.
- All right! - All right!
OK, you guys, knock those California women dead.
Good luck with all your photography and stuff.
Thanks.
Give Rachel a kiss on the lips for us.
You got it.
[ honk honk ]
Let's go, people.
Yeah. Let's move it all on out now, y'all.
Well...
Bye.
Take care of yourself, OK?
Hey, guys.
All right.
Hi.
You know, uh,
I don't normally drive a tow truck.
I'm just fillin' in for a buddy.
Ha ha ha!
You don't believe me?
You want a beer?
It'll settle your nerves.
Gee, you fellers are lucky.
That sure is some hot patootie
you got back there.
Haw haw haw!
So, y'all headin' on out to Los Angeles, huh?
Haw haw haw!
Sure is some pretty young things down there.
Haw haw haw!
# Ahh ahh ahh #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# I don't have plans and schemes #
# And I don't have hopes and dreams #
# I don't have anything #
# Since I don't have you... #
Captioned by Grantman Brown